Paradigm Shift

It's been quite a bit since I wrote last and since then I have been attending a two week program through Kaiser called Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). IOP is a program designed for those dealing with a lot of stressful situations and need more assistance then just one on one therapy. It is for those that are either exiting a hospital or learning skills to avoid hospitalization. This program has helped me put much of my life in better perspective.



I am in charge of my life and how I react to the situations that occur in my life. I am not responsible for other people's feelings or actions. In the past I tried to take too much responsibilities on my shoulders and when I found that I couldn't handle it all, I felt like a failure. This led me to the opposite experience which would be to then take on no responsibilities which again made me feel like a loser or a failure. As you can see this is quite an example of bipolar disorder in doing actions to the extreme.



There is that old phrase "You can do anything you put your mind to." which sounds so wonderful on the surface. However, as I learned in IOP it has a very negative side to it. The feeling can become that if I don't succeed at everything I put my mind to then I am a failure once again. I have avoided many responsibilities during my existence because I didn't want to make a mistake. I was the kid who had to be walked around the school when I was in 1st grade because I missed one problem on the test. As I aged and my ADHD had stronger effect in middle school and high school I thought I was lazy because I should be able to succeed if I put mind to it. This was so unrealistic and unfortunate, but it infiltrated my being and still has left lasting effects on mind.



I have learned that everyone's mind thinks and works differently. This seems so simple, but it allows me to give myself a break and take time at my tasks. I don't have to be successful at everything, but like I tell my daughter I need to be open to trying if it's something I think I want to experience. The ability to admit my fallibility is key and will continue to be a work in progress.

In conclusion, it is very important to be open to new opportunities and new perspectives. Being open to me includes knowing that any new activity or job involves a learning curve. There is no reason for me to feel that I need to handle anything faster than any other person. Just take time and enjoy what happens and every day will have very special moments.

Baseball won't bring me down.

Back in 1986 the California Angels as they were known came one pitch away from making it to the World Series for the very first time. Unfortunately, one pitch from Donnie Moore and Dave Henderson's home run changed that. The Angels lost that game and the next one and there went their World Series chance. I was watching the game in Palm Desert with my friend Tom at the time. He had just mentioned that it looked like the Angels were heading to the series and I said you never know cause this was the Angels and then it happened.

That was my senior year in high school and I was dealing with a lot of stress already and this just seemed to be the last straw. I auditioned for the school play and won the role of Judge Danforth in The Crucible as well as being enrolled in an English AP class where we constantly had to memorize poems. Add onto this the fact that I was not diagnosed yet with ADD or Bipolar disorder and you can imagine how challenging things could be. I guess the ball game was more of a domino then the last straw as it led to more intense stress.

Stress causes a high percentage of people with mental illness to have their first break or successive breaks. What makes things easier is learning strategies of how to deal with the stress. Currently with my search for employment, limited funds, making sure to have time with my daughter Hannah, and spending time with my girlfriend Wenona..In the past this would have overwhelmed me and maybe caused a break. However, I have learned that I can get past my problems and they are only temporary. It helps that I learned that I have bipolar disorder so I recognize there are times when I might get too manic or down and it doesn't match the situation. For me this is when I put things in perspective either by writing my thoughts, thinking them through, or talking with a loved one. My girlfriend Wenona has been a tremendous support addition since I met her last Thanksgiving.

What does this have to do with baseball? If I put my emotions into the local teams like I did in the past I would have been very excited when they both got into the league championship series and the chance of a freeway series appeared seriously possible. As they lost games I would have gotten very down and then when they won a game my emotions would have gotten extremely up again. This rollercoaster of emotions has gone from being like the Colossus at Magic Mountain to the Corkscrew at Knott's Berry Farm. Life is not easier, but it definitely is smoother and I like it.