20 years or so of Bipolar

It was in 1990 that I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wasn't given a certificate or anything, but the doctor definitively gave me that diagnosis. I knew that I had some sort of condition years before, but this was when I became truly aware. Being diagnosed with a mental illness is not like being told you have strep throat and being given an antibiotic. You can't take a drug and in a few weeks be magically cured. With mental illness it is a life long process of doctors, medications, education and more.

The date that started my ten week stay in various psychiatric hospitals was August 11, 1990. Thankfully since I exited the last of the 3 hospitals on October 23, 1990 I have not had the need to return. Does this mean that life has been simple since then? Definitely not simple at all. There have been many romantic relationships over the years that have not lasted including a failed marriage. I became an elementary school teacher only to find out after 7 years of full time teaching that this really wasn't the career for me. Leaving teaching I decided to try my hand at working as a Realtor, but I found that I don't like banging on people's doors and need a more structured job. I worked as an independent contractor doing general accounting for a friend for a while, but as of late last year he no longer needed my services due to lessening of his client base. I am still on call with him, but he hasn't needed me for quite a while. In case you didn't know, the job market isn't exactly stellar right now so looking back maybe teaching wasn't so bad after all.

Many of my problems are not limited to someone with a mental illness. This is where sometimes it is hard identifying if am I experiencing a situation that is part of being bipolar and having a manic or depressive episode or am I just experiencing the challenges of life. Being elated over getting a job or sad for losing one are quite normal. If these feelings last excessively long this can be an issue. If I either decide that I can suddenly be elected King of the World or that I am completely unemployable then these are mental illness issues. Unfortunately things are usually not that clear and there are subtle nuances one must learn to identify when feelings are going a bit awry.

As you can see even after having knowledge of this condition for nearly 20 years I am still learning more and more about myself. One of the best things one can have when dealing with any mental illness is having an excellent support system. I have been blessed with having supportive friends and family over the years and now a very wonderful fiancee who is there whenever I need her. The challenges will continue, but I can confidently say that I can succeed and when it is all over I plan on being able to say that I did it my way!

Yes, I have bipolar disorder.

I have always felt it is very useful to share experiences in order to realize that we are not alone. When I see we I am not referring to just those of us who suffer from being bipolar, but all of us who deal with the challenges of being human beings in this ever confusing world. I was 21 when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a sense when I was younger that something was amiss, but not sure what it was. I was always an emotional child with nervous habits and I could tell that made me different than other children. However, I had no clue what bipolar disorder was and just figured that many of the challenges I faced were because I wasn't able to utilize my intelligence and abilities to the level other students were. In essence my problems were all my fault and under my control.

Even when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder it didn't make me feel much better. I figured that now I had a name for what was wrong with me, but all this meant was that I had a reason why I was a failure, but I was still a failure. I scored 1220 on the SAT exams and had always performed well on intelligence tests. However, in high school I had a g.p.a. of approximately 2.6 and about the same so far in college.

What helped me the most was getting to know others that suffer from bipolar disorder. Sitting in a room of 20 or so fellow sufferers at a bipolar support group and hearing similar life stories gave me plenty of comfort. I recall being at a meeting where a guy asked the group if they had done anything similar to what he did. I saw 80% of the hands go up and could see the utter shock on his face, but at the same time he clearly was comforted.

As I continue writing this blog I will share experiences from throughout my life that have affected me as a person. This is because I am not bipolar, I am a person who has bipolar disorder. This is a disease that has and will affect me throughout my life, but one that I can make the most of. My life has definitely been a challenge and I look forward to living each day and moment to the fullest.