It's been quite a bit since I wrote last and since then I have been attending a two week program through Kaiser called Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). IOP is a program designed for those dealing with a lot of stressful situations and need more assistance then just one on one therapy. It is for those that are either exiting a hospital or learning skills to avoid hospitalization. This program has helped me put much of my life in better perspective.
I am in charge of my life and how I react to the situations that occur in my life. I am not responsible for other people's feelings or actions. In the past I tried to take too much responsibilities on my shoulders and when I found that I couldn't handle it all, I felt like a failure. This led me to the opposite experience which would be to then take on no responsibilities which again made me feel like a loser or a failure. As you can see this is quite an example of bipolar disorder in doing actions to the extreme.
There is that old phrase "You can do anything you put your mind to." which sounds so wonderful on the surface. However, as I learned in IOP it has a very negative side to it. The feeling can become that if I don't succeed at everything I put my mind to then I am a failure once again. I have avoided many responsibilities during my existence because I didn't want to make a mistake. I was the kid who had to be walked around the school when I was in 1st grade because I missed one problem on the test. As I aged and my ADHD had stronger effect in middle school and high school I thought I was lazy because I should be able to succeed if I put mind to it. This was so unrealistic and unfortunate, but it infiltrated my being and still has left lasting effects on mind.
I have learned that everyone's mind thinks and works differently. This seems so simple, but it allows me to give myself a break and take time at my tasks. I don't have to be successful at everything, but like I tell my daughter I need to be open to trying if it's something I think I want to experience. The ability to admit my fallibility is key and will continue to be a work in progress.
In conclusion, it is very important to be open to new opportunities and new perspectives. Being open to me includes knowing that any new activity or job involves a learning curve. There is no reason for me to feel that I need to handle anything faster than any other person. Just take time and enjoy what happens and every day will have very special moments.
