Back to Bipolar

When I started writing a blog I called it Bipolar Musings because I intended to focus all my discussions on mental illness. I found that too limiting hence the name Erratic Thoughts and the fact it has been a while since I brought up mental illness. The good thing about this is that it hasn't been on my mind lately (no pun intended, honestly).

I have including links to my favorite books dealing with bipolar disorder. One is more of a resource and the second is the story of a woman's experience with her bipolar.



My life is still challenging with the difficulties of finding a job and being a divorced father, but these are relatively normal struggles that many people encounter. What I have managed to do is maintain my moods pretty well lately through all the stress. A big part of maintaining has been helped by having an excellent support system. My family is very understanding of the fact that I have bipolar disorder and encourage me to maintain my medication and continue with therapy. My friends and girlfriend are also very supportive and know that I did not choose to have a mental illness. I am very lucky in this regard because not everyone is so lucky.

Unfortunately in some families and cultures it is considered an embarassent to have a family member who is mentally ill. This makes it hard to start treatment let alone continue on a life path that is centered on keeping one's mind balanced. How can you receive support and understanding from family members when they refuse to recognize you have a problem or ostracize you. This is a dilemma. Many in the mental health community work hard to eliminate the stigma of mental illness. I am not naive enough to believe the stigma will ever completely go away just like I believe there will always be some form of racism in this country. I am pleased though that it is more acceptable to discuss one's mental illness and find support groups in addition to developing a personal support system.

Why do I feel so strongly about helping others with mental illness? It is because when I was struggling with my illness and was not getting the proper help, my parents were able to get me in the right facility mainly because they knew the right people. Had they not had connections I very likely would have been roaming the streets in a daze or be languishing in a hospital that wanted to just institutionalize me. These are easy answers for those that don't want to help others in need. Unless someone raises a stink, just put them away or leave them standing out in front of a hospital with paperwork, but no idea what is going on. I don't want to see that happen to others and I hope it happens less and less.

What can you do? Be aware of changes in behavior by friends or family that are incongruous with their situation. If you know someone with a mental illness let them know you are there for them and if they are willing work out a plan with them to moderate their feelings, moods, etc. without being too intrusive. At bipolar support meetings I went to it was a simple number scale. One meant that you were extremely depressed and really should be in a hospital or getting care in some way, ten was the most manic and again hospitalization was the likely best choice. The goal was to be around the 5 level. At the beginning of a phone call you can ask "What number are you now?" If the answer is low or high then further inquiry and support are probably necessary. I hope you and your loved ones are lucky enough to have the positive support system I am blessed with.

Fatherhood

The following is a song by Paul Simon called Father and Daughter. One of my favorite singers and my favorite topic and also another of my favorite songs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqR24ODVlcE

If you like that you can find it at Father And Daughter - Paul Simon - from the Wild Thornberrys Movie (Audio CD)

When I was a youngster I planned on being married at age 24 and then have 4 kids. I am not sure where I got those numbers, but it seemed so simple then. The economics of raising that many children and the time it would take did not come into my mind. As I got older and older I found that I might need to change my expectations. I was married at the age of 30 and my only child was not born until I was 35. Unfortunately my marriage would not last for a variety of reasons, but out of it we have a wonderful child named Hannah.

Hannah was born at 33 weeks and was 3 pounds 3 ounces. I worried about her survival, but she fought hard and has not looked back. What I could not have imagined is the joy she would bring me. Anybody could talk of the bond between a father and a daughter, but it can't be understood until it is experienced. Every time I see my daughter or think of her there is a warmth that fills my heart that is amazing. I don't see her as often as I wish I would, but even if I saw her every day I feel that the joy would still be there always.

Any child can be difficult at times, but the hugs and warmth shared makes any challenge worth it. Hearing Hannah say she missed me or getting a warm hug or seeing her smile takes me to another level of joy. Every day can be so special by just playing with her, seeing her learn how to use a computer, and learning how to read. This follows the joy of seeing her struggle to walk, start to talk, and get her own silly personality and strong will. She makes me want to be the best person and father I can be. I cannot imagine being away from her for a long period of time as it pains me to be apart for even a short time.



I think of those fathers that struggle to see their child and some mothers that keep these same fathers away. What I can say from experience is that what always needs to be kept in mind is that the child is who everyone should always be concerned with. The father may be someone who you do not feel close to or be happy with, but the daughter loves him dearly and as long as he has a positive relationship with her then that should be allowed to flourish. Otherwise what will happen is that eventually there will be resentment from the daughter back to the mother about the time she didn't get to experience with her dad. I want my daughter to have a positive relation with both me and my ex, but all I can hope is that she will feel the same.

My Love Has Come Along

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVI254QGSQ4

The song above and more by Etta James is available at 20th Century Masters: The Best Of Etta James (Millennium Collection)

Check out the link above to hear a performance of the song that epitomizes my feelings about a very special woman in my life.

It was November 27, 2008 which was also known as Thanksgiving. In the afternoon I spent a lovely time having Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, sister, and my wonderful and precocious daughter Hannah who was 4 at the time. The day was especially enjoyable because I got to spend it with Hannah.  Later on in the day I returned her to her mother for their Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't have a plan for the rest of the evening so I signed onto my computer to play a game at that time called Scrabulous. This night it was not just a few games I would play, but games that would change my life.

Scrabulous was a game based on Scrabble that eventually changed its name and format to Lexulous to avoid problems with the owners of Scrabble. Thousands of people play the game by going into various rooms and challenging or being challenged by other players to a game. At some point I ended up playing a woman with the moniker winniethetrue. Now, when I began this game I had no idea if she was an 85 year old great grandma from New Zealand or a lovely 39 year old Filipina woman from Eagle Rock whose only downfall is that she graduated from USC. I play the game because I enjoy the challenge and am pretty good at it. However, being single at the time I was always open to the unlikely chance I would find a date let alone love. You see this game was created by two guys from India and many of the players were from around the world. Previously I had flirted occasionally, but the only time there was a connection the woman lived in Pittsburgh assuming she was a woman.

After playing various games and flirting a bit, we decided to talk on the phone. Following multiple conversations in which we clearly had a connection, we decided to meet. I know there are horror stories out there about people meeting off the internet, but my feeling on that is as long as you meet somewhere in public like a restaurant then you are pretty safe.

Our meeting was very nice and both of us found the other attractive, but neither of us had any idea if this was going to be just one date, a few dates, or much more. I am glad to say it has become much more. I started this post with the song At Last by Etta James not just because it is an amazingly sung song which gives me chills, but because it is so fitting.

"At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song"

Two months and four days after our first conversation we became boyfriend and girlfriend and my lonely days are truly over. If I knew that when was about to turn 40 I would meet the love of my life, it would have seemed so far away, but if I could feel the love and acceptance I have now I would have had no problem with waiting. This is a lesson I will pass on to my daughter which is to say that it is best to be open for the right person to come along and not put a time frame on it happening. I spent most my life rushing around to find the right person or the person who was best "right now", but little did I know my perfect match lived only 40 miles away and was at the right game at the right time. I never believed things happened for a reason, but I can't deny that any more. As Etta James sings it so well

"And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last"

I love you Wenona.

Signs the End of the World is Near

I have seen my share of goofy signs and bad entertainment in my day, but during the last week I found two that take the proverbial cake. One of these was on a local furniture store and the other had to do with the All Star Basketball weekend recently held in Dallas, TX.


It is clearly tough out there in our local economy and many businesses are doing all they can to stand out from the rest. Some have commercials with attractive actors and others annoy you with their sayings like "You're killing me Larry!" That one is at least slightly effective in that I actually know that the ad is for which is Sit and Sleep stores. However, if I am going to buy a new mattress my decision will be based on the best price, service, and quality of the product. I am so annoyed with the ads that I will make a strong attempt to avoid buying my mattress from them just to make a small point.

I was driving by a furniture store that is very close to my home. It has various signs all across it advertising its sales, but one sign stood out the most. The sign read "We always have our best prices". At first glance this sign appears innocuous. However, thinking about it more made me realize that my initial thought which was that this company has low prices compared to other stores is not what it said at all. They always have their best prices! This is like saying the most hideous creature in the world always looks its best so even though it is hideous that is its best! The store could have prices that our twice any of their competitions, but it will always remain the best price for them. This store signs in English as well as Vietnamese so it is possible the sign details got lost in translation, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was a businessman's attempt to take advantage of the naiveté of many consumers.

I am an NBA basketball fan on the lower end of the fan scale. I have attended one or two games over the last 15 years and have watched many on television. I did not watch any of the all star festivities and I wasn't sad about it. If I was forced to watch any event it would be the slam dunk contest. Although currently the big name stars do not compete, I enjoy the pure skill and creative involved. I emphasize the word watch here because the NBA all star events were also on radio. I listened to part of the rookies vs. sophomores even though I only knew a few names. I might have listened to the actual all star game had I been in the car when it was going on, but I wasn't. What I would not listen to is the slam dunk contest! Yes, that's right; the slam dunk contest was broadcast on radio. Nothing like seeing the intricacies of a dunk described on that little box. This is like instead of going to the zoo, just having it described to you. What was the point? Did they think that their listening audience wouldn't notice? Were they expecting listeners to make cut outs of their favorite dunkers and play along with the announcer’s description? I am looking forward to the radio broadcasts of the Antiques Roadshow.

Do I make a difference?

I was thinking about what impact I want to make on the world because my friend Paul wrote in his blog (http://reflectionsofafreewayflyer.blogspot.com/2010/02/technology-pt3-will-anyone-remember-you.html#) comments about technology in regards to what access our descendents will have to info on us and whether they will search out the info. I have been aware ever since my early years in college about how our unintentional or intentional actions can drastically alter our or other's lives. In 1992 I was invited to an ex girlfriend's wedding. We were still good friends obviously so I decided to go. I wasn't dating anyone at the time so I decided to take a young woman named Karen who I had become friends with at my work. My friend James didn't have a date so he went along with me. At one point I got tired of dancing and asked James to dance with Karen in my place. At the point, as the saying goes, apparently sparks flew because within the next two years they were married. They now have three kids. This is an unintentional consequence to my actions. I wasn't trying to be their matchmaker, but it still happened. So what do I have to do to make intentional differences in other's lives?

I have a five year old daughter that I dearly love and adore. Whether it is on the playground or with her reading I encourage her to never give up and that she needs to make an effort before deciding that she needs help or can't perform the task. This has had an effect on me that was unintentional. If I tell her to not to give up then I have to do the same in front of her. How can I throw a challenging Sudoku aside or not try to fix her toy without clearly being a hypocrite. The answer is I can't nor do I want to. I want my daughter to see that there is no harm in making efforts at tasks because that is the only way to determine if they are ones you want to continue doing. This is the way that she will challenge herself without feeling that if she doesn't succeed that she is some sort of failure.

This has already had positive effects on Hannah. She had asked for me to help her climb up a jungle gym and instead I stood there as support when she needed it and encouraged her to climb on her own. Hearing Hannah yell, "I did it!" brought warmth to my heart. What way is this going to affect her life? I truly do not know any specifics, but I do know that it will help her to be more independent. Independence is my goal for Hannah and what I think parenting is about. Teach your child positive values then work to prepare them so they can live independently.

If there is some sort of afterlife I don't need to look down on my descendents and hear them tell stories of how I did this and I did that. I want to be able to look down and see the actions that my child does is because I gave her the tools to be successful. I was there to show her that someone loves her very much. I am there to help her see that she can stand up for herself because she is deserving of respect. This is not something at age 5 or 15 I can tell my daughter and have it sink in. This is something I must create by my actions and encouragement. From there the people that she connects with will be affected by her behavior whether she has children or not. The respect that is taught to one person can expand exponentially if it is sincere. If
I raise that confident, loving, and encouraging child that I already see then I know I am remembered whether in name or not.

Kids Need Choice

I remember back in 4th grade being assigned to read a variety of books. When we would have to do book reports, or pretty much any assignment, I would put it off till the last minute. When I finally got around to completing the work I felt so stressed that I didn't get to enjoy the assignment no matter what it was.

Our teacher forced us to read the book Misty of Chincoteague in class and to do a book report. I put it off and when I finally read it, I hated it! However, that following summer my mother placed an order with a book club. She included Misty of Chincoteague in her order. When I received it my first reaction was oh no not that book again. It was like a nightmare. The book was following me even into my summertime. However, since I didn't have a lot to do in the summer I decided to give it a second chance. I picked up the book and as the saying goes I couldn't put it down. Of course I could put it down because otherwise it would have been difficult to shower or get dressed. I do remember finishing the book in a short period of time and truly enjoying it.

What is the point of this discussion? It is the idea that when forced to perform a task in school I put up a mental block against to it. I have seen that with other children when I was a teacher. During a couple of years when I was teaching we had a program which tested the students after they read books. The students picked the books that they wanted to read and then scored points as long as they got 70% or more on the test. I know one of the incentives was the desire to get more and more points, but what made it real fun for the kids was that they got to pick books to read. It's like being told the exact job you have to do or who you are going to marry. This has been part of certain societies in history and still goes on in many others. We live in what is supposed to be a free country. How can we teach freedom while at the same time telling them what to do on a subject matter where them having choice is beneficial to them and society?

Part of the problem is the idea of accountability and how it has been enacted. Schools are being told from the top down what standards need to be met and what testing has to be performed. Why is this? Just follow the money trail. My reference point is California where I live and taught. Due to laws including proposition 13 that were enacted in the early 1970's, the money flows from the top down for most districts. The districts have to follow the state and federal testing requirements. This is a problem because by the time testing is completed and scored, the results won't come in until the end of the year if then. What happened in my experience was that I got results of my new students who had been tested on different areas in their previous grade than what I was preparing them for currently. I couldn't follow progress because I didn't have direct control.

What is my solution? It is not simple, but if the testing was mainly controlled at the school site then I could test my kids in the class at the beginning in standards then in the middle of the year. Based on those results I could see how my studentts were progressing and adjust accordingly. The principal at the school site could and should be responsible to review the results with teachers and report accordingly. This could be audited by the state and federal government and with computer technology this could be highly effective.

Who knew that back in elementary school a book I hated so much to start with would have had such an impact in my life. A horse by any other name wouldn't read as sweet.

Life is like Sudoku. It's a numbers game.

I love solving Sudoku puzzles. It gets to the point that many times I won't go to sleep until I finish one. This makes it challenging as I get sleepier while at the same time getting to the hardest part of the game. What makes this fun for me is that I have always enjoyed numbers. I was one of the kids that learned multiplication to his twelves in 1st grade and can multiply two digit numbers by two digit numbers in my head. Unfortunately with the invention of the calculator and programs like Excel this isn't very useful.

The term "It's a numbers game" has been used to refer to a variety of tasks in my life. This includes dating, finding a job, and working in sales. It is important to understand the real meaning of the saying and not take it too literally. When I was younger I pursued women with the numbers game mentality. I figured if I asked out enough women I was bound to end up dating one. This worked in the sense that I did date, but I didn't bother too be particular. Instead of thinking through my choices in women and who I was most compatible with, I went out with whomever would go out with me. That led to some fun dates and many other ones that ended not in a joyful way.

I took the same term and applied it to my work. I applied at a variety of jobs without consideration for which job fit me right and if I was offered something then I accepted the job. This led me to positions that sometimes I enjoyed like working at my college's bowling lanes, but other positions like working in fast food.

Where does this all come from? In my case it comes from low self esteemm growing up. Why would I pick and choose when I didn't think I was worthy. I just felt I was lucky to be employed or be on a date. It takes the knowledge I have gathered in life to realize that I am deserving of a better lot in life. This doesn't involve thinking I am any better or worse than anyone else. It is just a realization that I deserve a life that suits me best. This also of course is only fair to my employer or a person I date. I know that my girlfriend I have now is wonderful and I only could be with her by realizing that I deserve being treated well. Also, finding that in her is a warm heart, a supportive soul, and a smile that gives me butterflies.

I still face many challenges with my self esteem because it is hard changing old habits. However, I can quickly remember the qualities I possess so I can turn my thoughts into a more positive way. Life looks much better from this point of view. My life is like Sudoku, but now it is Sudoku on pristine pages.

A Lady Gaga Coming to a City Near You.

I need to start off by saying I am definitely not a huge music fan. The c.d. part of my car radio has been broken for years and I have hardly missed it. The car radio dial(is it still considered a dial?) time is split between talk radio and National Public Radio (NPR). However, I did take time to watch a bit of the Grammys tonight and like it or not I have a few thoughts about that I am going to share.

Many people seem to have a strong negative towards Lady Gaga. For those of you totally out of the loop, she is a singer who prides herself in wearing some of the oddest outfits known to man. I never thought that someone could make the shoulder pads worn by Linda Evans seem miniscule. While I don't know a lot of Gaga's songs (or should I call her Lady) I do respect her individuality. In a culture and society where we are pushed to keep up with the Jones's and buy what others say is best, it is refreshing for someone to go out on a limb. That is even if that limb is fuschia and made of cheese.

I guess these thoughts bounce around in my head for a variety of reasons. One is that during high school I was a closet punker. My wildest outfit was a black and yellow shirt that others mocked. I was too afraid to stand out so instead I walked around with my head down and thought of myself as the biggest geek in the world. I was a geek, but so were many others and really who cares? Could I ever imagine dressing anything close to Lady Gaga? Hell no! This is not because she is a woman, but because it takes guts to be different. It is also important to our society for people to think differently. Innovations only occur when someone is willing to think outside the box as it is said and try something different. If Bill Gates listened to other's opinions then I don't think we have a lot of the innovations we have today.

When I went into teaching I had this odd idea that I was supposed to teach kids how to think for themselves. Yes, we did encourage them to give their opinions in papers, but only if they supported their argument in a certain way. State standards indicated what was supposed to be taught throughout the year. During each year students were graded against standards that all were expected to meet. Some people learn at a different pace than others. That doesn't seem like a revolutionary concept, but it goes against the expectations nowadays. I have to teach my kids that when they graduate they can be whatever they want to be, but while they are in school they have to limit their thinking to the essays given out and the standards politicians create.

Basically we are telling these kids not to think too differently through high school, but then suddenly open their minds in college. Sounds like educational schizophrenia to me. The school I was at was so into keeping things simple for those running things to keep others "accountable" that students were forced to wear uniforms. So we can't trust kids to think differently, learn differently, and now we can't allow them to dress differently! Oh my gosh they may find that some kids are able to have nicer clothes than others. This would mean that maybe teachers and/or parents would have to explain to kids that clothes don't define them. They might have to have a discussion where students could talk about feelings that don't fit in with the standards of their particular grade.

Do I think we need more Lady Gagas out there? Yes, in a way I do. I don't want them to all dress or act like her because that defeats the idea of individuality. However, having the only difference between singers being a dress and a hairstyle then that isn't very fun. Our world is much more interesting when we have Lady Gaga, Cindy Lauper, Twisted Sister, etc. to keep us entertained.