20 years or so of Bipolar

It was in 1990 that I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wasn't given a certificate or anything, but the doctor definitively gave me that diagnosis. I knew that I had some sort of condition years before, but this was when I became truly aware. Being diagnosed with a mental illness is not like being told you have strep throat and being given an antibiotic. You can't take a drug and in a few weeks be magically cured. With mental illness it is a life long process of doctors, medications, education and more.

The date that started my ten week stay in various psychiatric hospitals was August 11, 1990. Thankfully since I exited the last of the 3 hospitals on October 23, 1990 I have not had the need to return. Does this mean that life has been simple since then? Definitely not simple at all. There have been many romantic relationships over the years that have not lasted including a failed marriage. I became an elementary school teacher only to find out after 7 years of full time teaching that this really wasn't the career for me. Leaving teaching I decided to try my hand at working as a Realtor, but I found that I don't like banging on people's doors and need a more structured job. I worked as an independent contractor doing general accounting for a friend for a while, but as of late last year he no longer needed my services due to lessening of his client base. I am still on call with him, but he hasn't needed me for quite a while. In case you didn't know, the job market isn't exactly stellar right now so looking back maybe teaching wasn't so bad after all.

Many of my problems are not limited to someone with a mental illness. This is where sometimes it is hard identifying if am I experiencing a situation that is part of being bipolar and having a manic or depressive episode or am I just experiencing the challenges of life. Being elated over getting a job or sad for losing one are quite normal. If these feelings last excessively long this can be an issue. If I either decide that I can suddenly be elected King of the World or that I am completely unemployable then these are mental illness issues. Unfortunately things are usually not that clear and there are subtle nuances one must learn to identify when feelings are going a bit awry.

As you can see even after having knowledge of this condition for nearly 20 years I am still learning more and more about myself. One of the best things one can have when dealing with any mental illness is having an excellent support system. I have been blessed with having supportive friends and family over the years and now a very wonderful fiancee who is there whenever I need her. The challenges will continue, but I can confidently say that I can succeed and when it is all over I plan on being able to say that I did it my way!

Assumption assumption, what's your function?

As I have mentioned before the book The Four Agreements has had a very strong impact on my life. One of the agreements is to never make assumptions. I have worked to avoid assumptions since learning of this, but what is most interesting is to look back on my life and see how making assumptions affected me.

Much of my early years was spent going from one boyhood crush to another. Many times these crushes had no basis in reality. The young woman I was attracted to did not match what I envisioned of her in my brain as well as not being unreachable as I perceived.

It was easy for me to put most women I liked on a pedestal. My self esteem was so low that nearly every young woman appeared to me to be better than me and thus beyond my reach. The best way I can demonstrate this is to bring out an example of my youth.

During my freshman year in high school I was threatened by a fellow student with muscles in one of his arms bigger than all of my muscles put together. He was upset because someone was using a computer generated device to call his girlfriend and somebody told him it sounded like me. It wasn't me and I actually didn't even know his girlfriend or what she looked like. Since I was being threatened by this tobacco chewing spitball spitting hulk of a youth I figured I might as well find out who I was accused of harassing. I inquired of a mutual acquaintance and I saw her from afar. Well, this started a crush/obsession that would last for years. Did she intrigue me because I talked with her and got to know all about her life, values, and beliefs? No, that would make too much sense, involve maturity, and require self esteem that I did not possess. It was based on how she looked and what I thought she was all about by watching her from a far.

She appeared to be the all American girl and down to Earth. I imagined us being a couple hanging out together, dancing at school dances, and walking on the beach hand in hand. I also didn't ask her out for my first three years of school due to the fact she was either attached or when she wasn't I didn't feel worthy of even approaching her for a date. Over time I did get to know her more, but it was still on a superficial level as my interest wasn't in whom she really was, but rather the person I created in my brain. I finally got the nerve in my senior year to ask her out. By this time I had managed to let everyone around her and myself know of my interest so it was truly the world's worst kept secret. I even remember yelling her name from across campus and then jumping under a table. This made me appear completely stable and a dream man I am sure. Something I didn't expect happened which is she actually said she would think about it. This to me was amazing, I was flying on air although it is very likely she didn't know how best to let me down and felt uncomfortable with this encounter. After a few days she let me know that she was turning down my offer. She was pleasant about it, but looking back I can't blame her one bit.

She was still in my mind when I attended my 5 year and 10 year reunion. I dated other women throughout those years, but every so often I would think of her and at the reunions I wanted to dance with her. This again was not to know her, but rather as some idea that it proved I was worthy. Two years after the 10 year reunion I was married and stayed married for around six years.

After my divorce I contacted the object of my obsession, but now with the knowledge that I was no better or worse than anyone else. The assumptions I had about others superiority to me were gone. We chatted for a while through email and decided to meet for lunch. In high school I would have viewed this "lunch date" as the start of our voyage onto marriage and lifelong happiness. Instead I no longer was making assumptions and we just had a pleasant lunch getting to actually know each other and build on our new friendship.

A few years later we saw each other at our 20 year high school reunion and finally got the dance I had so much longed for. This was not a romantic dance, but rather friends having fun together. What was most important to me was that I was free of assumptions of the past so I could enjoy this moment and not think beyond it in any way. I truly can see clearly now, my brain is on.

Do I take the bible literally?

Every year my family gets together for Passover. This is the holiday that is from Exodus in the bible which tells the story of Moses leading the Jews out of Egypt. During the Seder (the meal and reading during Passover) we read about how the Jews were kept as prisoners under Pharaoh's rule and the way they were able to finally convince the Pharaoh to let Moses's people go. This is a very brief synopsis of this holiday as there is much more to it, but I only wish to focus on this aspect of it.

According to the story that is read during Passover, there were 10 plagues that were put upon the the Pharaoh and his people. They are blood, frogs,lice, flies, cattle disease, boils, locusts, darkness, and slaying of the first born. This was not a good time to be one of Pharaoh's followers.

My concern and questions about this story is that this describes a God that would punish all members of a group for the actions of the few. History is filled with actions a country's leadership conducts that goes against the desires of many of the common people. The Passover story doesn't say these plagues are against only those that support the pharaoh, but really against all his people. This to me seems inherently unfair and not how the God I believe in would act. I believe in a loving god that has expectations for us all and if there is some sort of judgement day; judgement will be based on individual actions and not a country's leadership or lack thereof.

I do not claim to know more than others or have a clear cut answer here. I wish only to raise the question and hear others' perspectives. If someday I go to the pearly gates and am told that I was wrong then I will clearly accept that. I hope and desire that for now and the rest of my time on Earth that I will always feel comfortable with questioning the things I don't understand.