Fatherly Advice

Right now my daughter is nine and a half years old and still listens to my advice. She listens still, but with a periodic eye roll and an "I know" quickly following behind. Before she stops listening altogether I have decided to refine my advice. In the past I have talked with her about appropriate dress, how to act in restaurants and other public places and how to play with friends. She has asked me what I think of her art work and I have always tried to redirect it back to her deciding whether she liked it. Now I must pick carefully what I share because I know for every year she approaches her teenage years there will be less room in her brain to retain my brilliant words of wisdom. The following is a top ten list of what I hope she remembers. 10. Live life based on your beliefs and values not for what you think others want you to believe. 9. Whenever you get involved in a relationship make sure you do so only if you are truly ready to be committed to the other person. If you are unready it is not fair to you or them. 8. Don't be afraid to "fail". When you don't succeed; you learn something new about yourself. 7. Other people are neither better or worse than you; they are just different. If you are not compatible with someone that is okay. 6. Enjoy every moment you have with friends and family; you never know how long they will be in your life. 5. Do your best in school to give yourself the chance to go wherever you want for college. The chance to have your choice of schools is one that is up to you to earn. 4. Don't feel obligated to go straight into school. You can travel for a year or more or work for a while. There are many alternatives in life. Once again don't limit yourself by what others think you should do. 3. Use credit cards only to establish credit. Only charge an item that you have the cash to cover it. Avoid getting into debt. 2. Be willing to give of yourself by joining local volunteer organizations or even something national such as The Peace Corps. 1. Most importantly have fun!

Death is not for the Living

This year has been filled with challenges and difficulty in my family. My father-in-law passed away on February 27th after five and a half years after suffering a major stroke, my brother-in-law lost his battle with cancer on March 15th less than two months after being diagnosed, and my dad died on April 19th just two and a half weeks after suffering two strokes and a heart attack. Their pathway to dying differed just as they did as people. My father-in-law was a quiet family man that enjoyed playing basketball, going on long drives with his family, and bragging about his children including my wife, who is a USC graduate (Nobody's perfect). His stroke was back in May, 2008 and during the remainder of his life he went from being able to walk a bit with assistance and communicating to being non-communicative and bed ridden during the last few years. My brother-in-law had pain in his hip and was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer less than two months before his death. He was a quiet, but strong family man who my sister could rely on for whatever she needed. He exuded warmth without effort and loved his children dearly and they loved him. He suffered pain prior to his death and unfortunately did not have a long time to help his family transition into their life without him. My father's condition deteriorated mainly over the last two years of his life. His knees broke down to the point that they were both bone and bone thus making walking very painful. Dementia had set in to the point that I was left explaining football to the man who had introduced me to every major sport and answered all my questions no matter how silly they might have been. This brings me to the question "What is the right way to die?" That is based on the assumption that there is actually one right way to die. It is somewhat easy to say how I would like to die as I sit here relatively healthy. However, when my time comes I cannot say how I will truly feel. My father was given three months to live the day before he died. We advised the doctor to give him purely comfort care as that was his wishes and ones that I definitely agreed with. My father-in-law suffered a much more difficult journey to his death as he went back and forth to the hospital repeatedly over the last few years of his life. This included numerous blood transfusions as well as dialysis during his last days on this earth. Unfortunately, due to his inability to verbalize during his last few years we were unable to determine his wishes regarding treatment and care up to his dying day. I was not able to be with my brother-in-law during his last days, but I sense he and my sister would have preferred more days together. He was definitely suffering, but it was not nearly as long as either my father-in-law nor my father. I cannot speak for either of them so I truly do not know at what point they would have rather he be at peace then still be on this earth. Unfortunately, they did not have the chance to ponder that thought for very long due to him passing less than eight weeks after his diagnosis. I cannot blame anyone who wants to hold onto the hope that somehow they will be miraculously healed or there will be a new cure discovered. I do not wish to hold out for such hope. If I am diagnosed with a terminal illness I anticipate receiving treatment that gives me hope for survival, but not to the extent that my quality of life is gone. A shorter experience filled life is far better than one hooked up to machines only to prolong the inevitable. In our country we are not allowed to assist in someone's death, however we can make it as peaceful and compassionate to the very end. I believe we owe it those in our lives to be there for them in their last days. This is not about what they have done for us or what they can do, but rather a duty as human beings to ease our loved one's transition to death and whatever is beyond that in the easiest way possible.