Assumption assumption, what's your function?

As I have mentioned before the book The Four Agreements has had a very strong impact on my life. One of the agreements is to never make assumptions. I have worked to avoid assumptions since learning of this, but what is most interesting is to look back on my life and see how making assumptions affected me.

Much of my early years was spent going from one boyhood crush to another. Many times these crushes had no basis in reality. The young woman I was attracted to did not match what I envisioned of her in my brain as well as not being unreachable as I perceived.

It was easy for me to put most women I liked on a pedestal. My self esteem was so low that nearly every young woman appeared to me to be better than me and thus beyond my reach. The best way I can demonstrate this is to bring out an example of my youth.

During my freshman year in high school I was threatened by a fellow student with muscles in one of his arms bigger than all of my muscles put together. He was upset because someone was using a computer generated device to call his girlfriend and somebody told him it sounded like me. It wasn't me and I actually didn't even know his girlfriend or what she looked like. Since I was being threatened by this tobacco chewing spitball spitting hulk of a youth I figured I might as well find out who I was accused of harassing. I inquired of a mutual acquaintance and I saw her from afar. Well, this started a crush/obsession that would last for years. Did she intrigue me because I talked with her and got to know all about her life, values, and beliefs? No, that would make too much sense, involve maturity, and require self esteem that I did not possess. It was based on how she looked and what I thought she was all about by watching her from a far.

She appeared to be the all American girl and down to Earth. I imagined us being a couple hanging out together, dancing at school dances, and walking on the beach hand in hand. I also didn't ask her out for my first three years of school due to the fact she was either attached or when she wasn't I didn't feel worthy of even approaching her for a date. Over time I did get to know her more, but it was still on a superficial level as my interest wasn't in whom she really was, but rather the person I created in my brain. I finally got the nerve in my senior year to ask her out. By this time I had managed to let everyone around her and myself know of my interest so it was truly the world's worst kept secret. I even remember yelling her name from across campus and then jumping under a table. This made me appear completely stable and a dream man I am sure. Something I didn't expect happened which is she actually said she would think about it. This to me was amazing, I was flying on air although it is very likely she didn't know how best to let me down and felt uncomfortable with this encounter. After a few days she let me know that she was turning down my offer. She was pleasant about it, but looking back I can't blame her one bit.

She was still in my mind when I attended my 5 year and 10 year reunion. I dated other women throughout those years, but every so often I would think of her and at the reunions I wanted to dance with her. This again was not to know her, but rather as some idea that it proved I was worthy. Two years after the 10 year reunion I was married and stayed married for around six years.

After my divorce I contacted the object of my obsession, but now with the knowledge that I was no better or worse than anyone else. The assumptions I had about others superiority to me were gone. We chatted for a while through email and decided to meet for lunch. In high school I would have viewed this "lunch date" as the start of our voyage onto marriage and lifelong happiness. Instead I no longer was making assumptions and we just had a pleasant lunch getting to actually know each other and build on our new friendship.

A few years later we saw each other at our 20 year high school reunion and finally got the dance I had so much longed for. This was not a romantic dance, but rather friends having fun together. What was most important to me was that I was free of assumptions of the past so I could enjoy this moment and not think beyond it in any way. I truly can see clearly now, my brain is on.