What is challenging about having bipolar is determining when life challenges are making things difficult or when it is problems with having the condition. Life has its natural ups and downs, but when simple challenges are blown out of proportion is when there comes bigger issues. This may be why when I was in high school and even into my twenties that I had trouble maintaining relationships. A relationship would seem really wonderful one day than a week later it wouldn't seem so great. I took a heavy load of classes my first semester senior year then I dropped all my challenging classes and was finished with a part in the school play so I had very little going on. Finding a happy medium for me has been very difficult. What is a positive life of stability appears to be boring. However, when I choose to act in the moment then I end up with something that is way too convoluted and a mess.
Unfortunately, early on I had such low self esteem that I gave power to others. I did whatever I could to make them happy or to get their affection. I didn't feel worthy to ask for what I needed so I would surreptitiously get what I wanted thinking that there was no way little old me could hurt anyone. I ended up feeling all alone and like I was in a hurricane struggling to grab onto something for stability. Clearly this was not a way I wanted to live and still struggle to maintain a solid foundation beneath me without wanting to run off and do something that will mess it up.
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